i wish i could think straight.
i went to urgent care today. i dont know if i should say i was hoping to be inpatient but. i feel like i need it. the nurses i talked to agreed, but the facility said i should try iop first. i've never done iop. the other facility told me to come by in person and talk and i just wasn't prepared. i still think i need inpatient. i ended up claling out of work because of all this. i was doing so well. i fucked my wrist up. i feel so defective it makes me sick. i''m almost 30 years old. what do i have to show for it? i wish i i'll go to the clinic tomorrow to ask about their outpatient programs. i'm exhausted. i'm such a sad pathetic fuck. i don't want anyone to see me like this. i don't want myy friends to see me like this. i wish i still lived alone. if i was alone then there would be no one to worry about me. it'd make things easier. that sounds horribly ungrategful. but it isn't. i love my friends and i'm grateful to have such great people in my life. i'm just scared of losing them. masking has gotten really difficult. i dont want to be around them if i'm going to be like this. i don't want to be seen like thjis. i want to feel better. why am i getting weorse?
im not gonna bother forgmating atnyhing or proofreadign anything. this is stream of consciosuneess i need to get it out i need to get out
I can't even figure ut whay im supposed to type next i feel absolutely insane i feel like nothing is real and im not real and im watching a movie a really really sad movie wherre everyone is happpy except me and i hate it because i want to be happy to and i try and try and try but it keeps eluding me and i cant figure it out i dont know why this is happening to me it feels like my brain is rotting or turning to dust i dont feel like a person anymore everthign feels so foreign and i just want to know who i am outside of materials or what people are seeing when they look at me but thats all thaat seemes to matter i wish i could understan why this is hapooneing. it started with feeling a little anxious. sorta ugly. lame. then depression. then self loathing, and depression and low self esteem and social anxiety. i feel so unbelievably insecure i cant even recognize ymself. ive never been confident but i havent felt this pointless in a long long time. i cant sleep.