07/28/26

8:57pm. I forgot about this site for awhile. Which made me forget my login. I had to research Latin again, but I got things figured out. Thank you Neocities Support.

I stopped seeing my therapist. It was amicable, but I told him that I didn't feel like our sessions were getting me anywhere, and in fact I was feeling worse than when I first began seeing him. And he agreed. I don't think he was a bad therapist at all, either. I just don't think EMDR or trauma-focused therapy was right for me. I tried, I really did. But I always came away from my sessions feeling broken. Unfixable. The work I had to do on myself felt insurmountable, and all I could think about was how I even ended up like this. The hopelessness and self-hatred was too intense. It was like...whatever upswing I was on, whatever part of my recovering psyche thought I was ready for therapy; that all came crumbling down when I tried to confront the past. And instead of overcoming my past by facing it, I felt more stuck in it than ever. I think EMDR has its place, somewhere. But I ruminate. And overthink. And hyperfixate. Instead of reshaping those memories, they just kept replaying, long after the session would end. I wasn't able to put in in a box in my mind or whatever bullshit I was told to do after a session was over. I don't think like that.

So now I'm rebuilding. I got on new meds. I've been trying to take things slow, and not be so hard on myself. I often remind myself of how my friends would feel if they could hear the things I tell myself about myself. I know they love me, and want the best for me. I deserve to be okay, too. So why don't I let myself feel that way? Why do I feel like such an unlovable monster? What basis is there? I have to let myself be human.

On a very, very different note, I think I'm struggling with an addiction to pleasure. I know hormones can be strong. But I thought the shift in libido was supposed to even out eventually. So why, after 3 years, am I masturbating multiple times a day, EVERY day? Surely this can't be normal. I find myself exhibiting behaviors that feel... reckless. Sexting people. Sharing myself. I don't know why. I mean, I do; it turns me on and makes me wanna masturbate more which feels amazing. I clearly like the attention. But I can tell that the novelty is wearing off. I'm considering joining hookup apps, but I feel too socially inept. I want a loving relationship someday, but I don't think I'll find that any time soon. The irony is that I can probably find sex easily. I just don't know how to even initiate that. Do I need to go get STI tested and provide that paperwork upon request? Do I come right out and ask for sex? On the topic of my physique, well.. it needs work for sure. I'm certainly not the most grotesque thing on the planet, but there are people that are far more attractive than me. But I'm probably easier. Should I feel bad for being so desperate? I don't think so. If I get what I want, and they get what they want, who cares?

The real question is: are service tops in demand? I think I'd be a great fit for the positon.

11/13/25

10:20pm. I'll be on vacation next week. I'm not actually going anywhere though. I'm finding it hard to do much of anything. Moving was stressful. I'll never rent a fucking house again. Apartments are way lower maintenance. This new apartment isn't so bad, but being on the outskirts of the property seems to invite homeless folks to come hang out up here. They leave when I tell them to, but it's getting pretty frustrating coming home to someone laying right in front of my door. One guy even asked if me or my roommate had a lighter. He tried to lie and say he was waiting for a friend, and pointed at my damn apartment. Jackass. I told my roommate if she ever feels unsafe, just say the word. We'll find somewhere else to live. If it were just me, I'd put up with it, but she deserves to feel safe.

Anyway. Vacation. I want to make a to-do list of sorts. I just have a hard time getting my head together lately. I think I need to take a bus somewhere, alone. I need to get away from everyone. Everything. Even if it's just for a night. My mind wanders constantly, always to things that don't matter. Why? Why do I do this? I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and realize I've still done nothing of note and I'm right where I started. I already went through that once. I might actually kill myself if it happens again. Today my mom was asking me what I'm into these days, how she doesn't know anything about me. I feel the same. I don't know who I am, what I like, what I want. I often think of asking my friends to tell me what their answers to these questions would be if talking about me. Maybe I just need a reminder. I'm thinking too much. I'm too old for this.

9/24/25

Life is busy, and so is my brain. I feel like I'm on the run. From what, I don't know, but everything feels like survival. Even when it isn't. And I know it isn't. But that constant anxiety runs through me and chokes me tighter than drowning every could. I wish I could be normal. Think normal. Act normal. Talk normal. Have normal interests. A normal personality. But I always feel insane. I always feel like a freak. Everything I do feels like something only a psycho would do.

6/27/2025

i wish i could think straight.

i went to urgent care today. i dont know if i should say i was hoping to be inpatient but. i feel like i need it. the nurses i talked to agreed, but the facility said i should try iop first. i've never done iop. the other facility told me to come by in person and talk and i just wasn't prepared. i still think i need inpatient. i ended up claling out of work because of all this. i was doing so well. i fucked my wrist up. i feel so defective it makes me sick. i''m almost 30 years old. what do i have to show for it? i wish i i'll go to the clinic tomorrow to ask about their outpatient programs. i'm exhausted. i'm such a sad pathetic fuck. i don't want anyone to see me like this. i don't want myy friends to see me like this. i wish i still lived alone. if i was alone then there would be no one to worry about me. it'd make things easier. that sounds horribly ungrategful. but it isn't. i love my friends and i'm grateful to have such great people in my life. i'm just scared of losing them. masking has gotten really difficult. i dont want to be around them if i'm going to be like this. i don't want to be seen like thjis. i want to feel better. why am i getting weorse?

6/24/2025

im not gonna bother forgmating atnyhing or proofreadign anything. this is stream of consciosuneess i need to get it out i need to get out

I can't even figure ut whay im supposed to type next i feel absolutely insane i feel like nothing is real and im not real and im watching a movie a really really sad movie wherre everyone is happpy except me and i hate it because i want to be happy to and i try and try and try but it keeps eluding me and i cant figure it out i dont know why this is happening to me it feels like my brain is rotting or turning to dust i dont feel like a person anymore everthign feels so foreign and i just want to know who i am outside of materials or what people are seeing when they look at me but thats all thaat seemes to matter i wish i could understan why this is hapooneing. it started with feeling a little anxious. sorta ugly. lame. then depression. then self loathing, and depression and low self esteem and social anxiety. i feel so unbelievably insecure i cant even recognize ymself. ive never been confident but i havent felt this pointless in a long long time. i cant sleep.